Stupid SAS Jokes
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
SAS.
SAS who?
Says me!
Q. How many SAS programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Unfortunately, SAS programmers can’t do that yet. That feature is scheduled to be added in SAS 9.5W.
One Friday many years ago, a SAS development manager walked into the office of SAS president Jim Goodnight and said, "I want a raise!" Jim misunderstood the request and by Monday morning had completed the design and coding for the ARRAY statement.
If you visit SAS headquarters in Cary, North Carolina, you’ll be struck by the quality of the landscaping. Even the data warehouse has a flower garden around it.
Old SAS programmers don’t die . . . they just move to Saskatchewan.
Q: What game would they play at SAS Stadium if they didn’t have any shoes?
A: Sock-er.
I took a college course in which you couldn’t fail if you used SAS to analyze your data. It was a SAS/fail course.
SAS data mining tools are being used in an experiment to see if a data mining approach can devise the ultimate strategy for playing chess. The results so far have been impressive. On its first day, the data mining project dug up a knight . . . the next day, two rooks and a queen . . . and pawns, lots and lots of pawns . . .
Q: Why did the SAS programmer cross the road?
A: To get to the other data type.
A Microsoft certified software engineer, an Oracle database administrator, and a SAS programmer were lost in a desert when they came upon a large bottle. As they tried to pick it up to look at it, there was a puff of smoke and a magic genie appeared. “I will grant you three wishes,” the genie said. “Since there are three of you, I will grant each of you one wish. But be careful what you wish for.”
The Microsoft certified software engineer spoke first: “Instead of being lost in a desert right now, I wish I had a Mercedes convertible and a ton of money and I was driving along the shore in Miami Beach.”
“Are you sure that’s what you want?” the genie asked. “Because I can make your wish come true right now, if that’s really what you want.”
The Microsoft certified software engineer thought for a moment and said, “Yes, I’m sure. That’s what I want.” With that, the genie waved his arms, and the Microsoft certified software engineer was suddenly somewhere else, driving a Mercedes convertible on a street in Miami Beach. The car had the top on, and despite its powerful engine, it was slowed down ever so slightly by the bags of money in the back, but all in all, the Microsoft certified software engineer was very happy with the results of the wish.
There were still two people in the desert with the genie. The Oracle database administrator, seeing how the Microsoft certified software engineer had disappeared, began to speak: “I wish I were home right now — in a huge castle, that is, with a big swimming pool and every luxury I can imagine.”
“I suppose that counts as one wish,” the genie said. “Are you sure that’s what you want? Because I can make your wish come true right now, if that’s really what you want.”
“Yes . . . yes, I’m sure,” replied the Oracle database administrator. The genie waved his arms a second time, and in an instant, the Oracle database administrator was in a castle, surrounded by fine furniture and every kind of luxury. The television cable wasn’t hooked up, and the swimming pool had no water in it, but all in all, the Oracle database administrator was very happy with the way the wish had turned out.
Now it was just the SAS programmer and the genie in the desert. The SAS programmer thought for a few minutes, then finally made a wish: “I wish I had all the answers to everything about how SAS works.”
“Are you sure that’s what you want?” the genie asked. “That amount of knowledge could be a dangerous thing! And you could wish for anything you desire: gold, riches, success, fame, anything you choose!”
“Yes, I’m sure,” the SAS programmer said. “With that knowledge, I could do practically anything!”
“You could get something smaller if you prefer, or a summary of the knowledge you are asking for. You don’t have to have all that information dumped on you at once.”
“I want all of it.”
“There’s no way I can talk you out of it?”
“No.”
“Very well, then. Excuse me. I will have to stand back.” The genie walked a long distance away. Finally, he turned and shouted to the SAS programmer. “You can still change your mind!” he called.
“No, I’m sure that’s what I want,” replied the SAS programmer, who by this time was getting very impatient. “Go ahead!”
The genie shook his head and waved his arms a third time. In an instant, the SAS programmer was buried beneath a mountain of papers and books.